please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
