i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize