and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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