i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
