he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
