I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
