So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
