She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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