I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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