My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
