my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize