I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
