Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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