Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
