I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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