She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
