You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
