the condom got lost in my hair
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
