i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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