how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need moral support for this bender
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
