got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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