There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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