I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
