It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
