Can i not drive my cunt home
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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