There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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