everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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