I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
