I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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