Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
