She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
