hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
