Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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