did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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