Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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