I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
