jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
