nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
just found out that she named her cat after me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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