I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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