I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We had sex on a dog bed..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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