i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize