farters have to be the big spoon...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
