wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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