i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
