Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
