A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize