sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize