Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
