this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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