Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
