is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
