does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
