I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize