Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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