every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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