Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
