Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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