you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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