if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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