don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
