just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize