If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
