It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
