After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
