Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
