Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
