it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize