bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize