oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
