I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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