u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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