this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize