He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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