Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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